Mommy, I love you.

I think people tend to overlook or under-appreciate what they've always had, and I think the biggest aspect of anyone's life that gets the least recognition is the nurture, care and love given to them by their mums. Today I came home for the first time in a couple of weeks, and had a thorough, insightful and shocking conversation with my mom. I, for one, has never and will never overlook what my mother has done for me. She has listened to me, helped me, provided for me, cared for me, sacrificed for me, motivated me, inspired me, challenged me, and most of all, loved me. I love her more than anyone else in the world - she is my best friend and confidant. But how I feel and how I appreciate her cannot be said for my brother. In a moment of desperation, my mother confided to me the burdens and heartaches she bottles within herself - secrets and feelings she fears to tell anyone else in fear of ruining the relationships within the family. My brother has never appreciated the sacrifices my parents made for him, in fact, he practically scorns my parents for pushing him while he was young, blaming them for anything and everything that has gone wrong in his life. At the age of 23, he has yet to figure out his life. I don't think he gets it. He doesn't understand that he's too old to depend on my parents for a paycheck, he's too old to be playing games in his room all the time, he's too old to be wasting his life away, and he's definately too fucking old to be disrespecting my mom the way he does. He never comes home, he never calls, he never says 'thank you,' and he never tells my mom he loves her. The only time he calls or comes home is when he needs to pick up his paycheck, or when he needs to eat. Then, without any words of recognition or thanks, he leaves. Seriously? He's practically using my mother as a mat, and walking all over her. He's taking advantage of her and he doesn't even care. But I fucking care. And my mom? She's too afraid to ruin all ties with my brother, so she chooses to interalize everything. But fuck that! Being a mother doesn't mean you deserve to get used, abused and taken advantage of. It doesn't mean you have to be a rug for your kids to wipe their feet on. I told her that she needs to go ballistic on my brother and just tell him everything she feels. Fuck relations, what kind of a relationship do they have if he walks all over her and never thinks twice? That's a relationship based on a lie. Their relationship isn't real if he continues to think that what he is doing is alright. My brother seriously needs to open his fucking eyes and see the consequences to his actions, or I'll fucking do it for him.

I think it's because I talk to my mother so much that I know what she has done and what she has sacrificed for us, for the sake of our happiness. And it breakings my fucking heart to see her fall into this state of depression, and have to mask it in order for our family to have this pseudo-esque feeling of happiness. It's not fair for one person to carry the burden of everyone else's problems on their shoulders. She told me today that she was sorry for 'throwing all this trash' on me, and that I didn't deserve to hear all the sadness in her life, because I deserve to be happy. It killed me when she said that. She shouldn't have to carry the 'trash' on her own. I volunteer to listen to her problems and help to carry the trash, because I love her. It is the burden of the trash on my shoulders that reminds me that I have a real relationship with my mother - a relationship built on trust, support and love.

I know this is a long blog, but Mother's day is tomorrow, and I really want you to think about what I've written. Too many people use their mom as their walking mat. Don't. This is the woman who carried you around in her belly for 9 months, the woman who raised you, the woman who sacrificed so much for you, and the woman who will love you no matter what. Don't overlook her, don't under-appreciate her, and don't ever disrespect her.

I love her so much.

LN LU